Boundaries Within your Community, Conversations at Home Pt. 2

It’s almost a universal experience when you have extended family over and they begin to poke and prod you, interested in learning every detail about you and your life since the prior holiday season.

“Do you have a boyfriend… girlfriend?”

Nope… and nope.

“Are you still working down there?”

Down where?

“Did you ever finish school?”

Which one are they referring to, high school? College? Grad school? The professional certificate I got last year?

Maybe to auntie Kim or cousin Melvin, their questions are innocent, simply seeking common connection and understanding. But to some of us, they can come off a little empty, half-hearted, redundant, or even accusatory. And no matter what stage of life you are in - you could be married, running a successful business, and working towards a third Masters - they can start to make you feel like you are not good enough.

And we are only lucky if the questions stop there. For those that are working through the grief of losing something important in their life (for example, a relationship, job, the motivation for school, etc.), recovering from an eating disorder (which is still an extremely taboo topic among Black folx [x]), or those working through identity growth (for example, holding multiple traditions and cultures, reacting to problematic family or inlaws, feeling isolated because of your queerness or expression, etc.) - the questions can feel even more pointed. “You’ve gotten bigger” or “When will I have grandkids” can be triggering and upsetting. When you don’t have community around, which can often be more of the case during this time of year, it’s hard to keep a true sense of what matters to you in the sea of wild questions and opinions.

Let’s not let this season bring the same energy.

Focus on what’s in your control.

You cannot control cousin Melvin’s constant loud drunken troublemaking but you can choose to remove yourself from the situation. Keep checking in with yourself, there may be ways to feel empowered to do your own thing without feeling overwhelmed by too many others.

Set boundaries.

Ahead of any family events, feel free to remind the closest to you that you are not comfortable talking about certain topics - maybe they can support you if the conversation comes up. Plan out where in the home could offer a relaxing getaway or if not in your home base, make sure to set a time limit on how long you’ll attend. You shouldn’t feel guilty for saying what you need.

Remember your path is not linear.

Having a marriage and $100k won’t mean you’ll be happy. Don’t stress about what others may think your journey in life should be.

Practice gratitude.

This is also the season of giving thanks and appreciating what you have. Try journaling what you are grateful for to help keep yourself grounded, regular journaling can help you sleep better, reduce stress, and improve your self-esteem among other things [x].

Keep your community close.

When feeling disconnected, be sure to reach out to those who understand or share connections with you. This can be key to making sure you feel supported even when locked inside with the extended family.