Home Is Where the Heart Is, Conversations at Home

It’s October and with falling leaves, pumpkin-everything, and good spook from time to time, also comes what we’ll call the “beginning of the winter retreat”. The temperature begins to drop, we go into a natural rhythm of hiding away, bulking up, and using our bed as a safe haven [x] from the weather and hazardous roads. I know this may be hard to hear and I promise I’m knocking on wood and crossing my fingers so hard they’ll create a fire if only to produce a few more months of warmth.

As we gear up to do the inevitable retreat into our homes, we think it’s important to discuss some of the nuances that come along with getting physically closer, for longer periods of time, to those we share spaces with. Whether it’s a family member, partner, friend, roommate, or pet - you’ll need some time to think about how to pack accordingly.

We hope this is clear but we are talking about our emotional baggage.

During warmer months we sometimes have the luxury of getting out of the house more which not only allows us to soak up necessary Vitamin D but gives us space from those we share our homes with. We are given more time with a larger group of friends, we perhaps see more places outside of the city, and enjoy having more control over who we see and when. With winter, we often spend less time outside and thus more time in the intimate space of others - I’d like to believe that Minneapolis winter was the originator of the lockdown experience. With this, there are conversations or situations that will arise that may make you feel trapped in the house and since we don’t condone a Home Alone-style match with those closest to you, we’ll have to face these events in another way.

Where do we start? We need to build healthy communication with those around us. We often hear about how to communicate with your partner but not always about sibling, roommate, or parent-child communication. It’s important to look at each of your relationships as separate but intersecting. How you speak to your roommate will be different to how you speak to a parent or relative but your focus should be on maintaining healthy dialogue.

Do a Vibe Check

Every relationship is different and should be assessed as so.

What’s your history like?

Has living together been a good or difficult experience in the past?

How could it be better?

Is this the first time you will be in one another’s space?

Do you feel comfortable in their presence?

Did you feel heard when you spoke up before?

It’s always best to think through this beforehand. All relationships require reciprocity and both sides present so have a sit-down and try to have a conversation, and if you feel there may need to be a third party involved, reach out to someone you both agree could be helpful to listen and process (a therapist, a mutual friend, a community member, Dr. Ebony’s Instagram… only slightly joking).

Check Your Ego

When in a heated discussion with others, do you want to take control of the conversation, dismiss someone else’s narrative, or find a way to win the conversation? We don’t always think to check our ego but it can be crucial to building compassion for others [x]. When we take time to look inward and remind ourselves that we are only half of a story in any given relationship, we begin to open ourselves up to understanding what others are saying and feeling. If we sit in arrogance, we are sitting in ignorance and who got time for that?! Try allowing your physical and mental space to be open to hearing what others say [x], repeat their words back in an even and validating tone, and say “I hear you” - avoiding the defensive usage of the word “but” when instead you can allow yourself to process and respond when ready.

Remain Truthful to Yourself

When it comes to relationships you shouldn’t feel pressured to be someone you are not. When you are around individuals that think differently or have opposing worldviews, you will have to figure out how to communicate in a way that is honest to yourself and respects the relationship. If you feel that someone being around may limit your expression and love for yourself, always start with a conversation (when safety is felt) or seek support outside of the home to remain in community.

Communicate Your Boundaries

One of the most crucial pieces to the retreat puzzle is setting a boundary. Expressing your needs is key to feeling comfortable in your space and if you’ve done the work to build relationships of compassion and respect, this one should fall into place nicely. Remember that boundaries can be mental (“please give me some time after work to decompress in silence”) and physical (“if my door is closed, knock and wait for me to answer”). It can feel clunky at first to communicate needs so directly but practice makes for much better intimacy.

Take this winter back. A good retreat makes room for rest, food, laughs, and personal space. Know that putting in the communication work pays off for future generations [x] and helps to build a better community for us all.

PS. Remember to get some sun when you can (store-bought Vitamin D is also OK).