Practicing Self-Compassion
If your twelve-year-old self was able to ask you questions about how life will be, would your instinct be to give them the cold truth? Would you calculate all of the mistakes you’ve made to so desperately try to warn your former self of the dangers to come? Would you see the life you’ve built as less worthy than you intended it to be?
If you’re answering yes to these questions - you may be stuck without self-compassion and but know it’s not your fault. “Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward. We are kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes, or feel inadequate. We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise in our lives.” [x]
It may be hard to remember a time when you felt anything and everything was possible but there is a strong chance you once did - unburdened by the systems that keep us moving in certain directions. As we move through every stage of life we are often met with strong, and mostly trauma-fated, messages that tell us what to do, how to feel, who to love, and what makes us valuable. Every system, whether it’s our familial, educational, social, political, or communal system, has an idea of who YOU (and WE) should be. As children, we may have seen the potential to move freely but our lanes get shorter and the paths get narrower and most of the time we don’t know it until the day comes when we are reminded of what could be.
Does anyone else feel that self-identity panic from time to time?
Let’s work to understand why and where we can get back to compassion for ourselves and others.
“We are indoctrinated into a world that teaches us ideology, not compassion. [...] I was not born with gender literacy. I was born hating myself and hunting myself. I had to learn too and so other people are going to have to learn.” [Alok Vaid-Menon, X]
Alok Vaid-Menon, a non-binary author, performance artist, and media personality has taken on the systems that told them they weren’t worthy of self-love if it didn’t fall into a cis heterosexual narrative. Alok, among others like Shea Couleé, Laverne Cox, and Alex Newell, are often beacons of hope for a world that allows us to be more authentic in thought and expression. Of course, our world is often not safe for those exploring themselves, something we continue to work towards fixing.
If you’re holding your breath, now is the time to let it go. You’re safe here. The system that devalues our lives and who we could be is not present where we are.
These outside messages created by those before us and the systems built by uncreative colonizers of the world are not limited to gender - it tends to attack anything that dares defy normative (cis straight thin able-bodied male) whiteness. Black children are given signals of what it means to be Black, which can sometimes stem from not trying to be white. For example, in the invisible box of Blackness we might devalue having “good grades” in younger social circles (which is a shared experience among many but as of 2017, hasn’t been fully agreed upon) [x] or expect Black women to be strong and independent, in comparison to their white counterparts allowed to be delicate, strongly feminine, and cared for [x].
The ideas that make up the box of Blackness, which consists of many our community has and hasn’t adopted over time, stem from a long history of racism, sexism, and more. They have powerful impacts on individuals and communities like our educational system not providing Black children support because of a perceived lack of care from the students or the increased likelihood of misdiagnosis, harsher treatment, and death for Black women in the healthcare system.
The creation of the box was not YOUR (or I’s) doing and we need to remind ourselves that we are not defined by any one thing we haven’t embraced ourselves. Our experiences, thoughts, desires, interests, challenges, wins, love, or dreams cannot be placed in a box - starting now. To get out of the box, and begin unpacking life-long messages requires work, deep thought, and a lot of trial and error. And at times, some of us naturally feel the urge to reject this process of unpacking.
Defensiveness toward new messages that counteract the ones we’ve learned and instilled is common. It’s not impossible to shake but it takes time, given where you stand and how the idea is floated. How many times have you said “no way” when hearing new details about a topic, event, or person you’ve always felt you knew every detail to? Like finding out a celebrity you loved growing up turned out to be not so great. Now turn that inward, and you may be surprised to hear things like “you can be whatever gender you want” or “loving another man doesn’t make you less than” or “you don’t need to be defined by how hard you work at something” or “your body is gorgeous and vital, even if you don’t see that” or simply, “you are worthy”.
Our fathers may find it hard to hear that their little boy isn’t a boy after all. Our mothers may recoil when they find out their child is leaving their church behind because of the abuse they suffered from its ideologies. Throughout your process of healing and unpacking, as you give yourself permission to show compassion for yourself, do the same for others.
“Being alive is about messing up gloriously. [...] I don’t believe humans are statues or sculptures, I believe we are inconsistent and idiosyncratic and hairy and fat and unfurling and that’s what’s joyous about being alive.” [Alok Vaid-Menon, X]
Start with self-compassion, without the box. “Rather than beating yourself up over mistakes you may have made in the past, you feel understanding, mindful, and accepting of yourself and your imperfections.“ [x]
Bring attention to various aspects of your life with a new lens. Ask yourself questions about why you identify certain ways or whether some labels, rituals, or ideas are giving you an opportunity to be authentic.
Unpack the biases about yourself. Remember these ideas are coming from somewhere else.
Let go of what’s not serving you. Allow things out of our control to leave your plate.
Apologize when making mistakes and try harder next time.
Meditate on the good things, people, and experiences you have.
Remind yourself that you are worthy today, tomorrow, and every day following. Speak to yourself with kindness in mind.
Now onto compassion for others, remembering they may still be in the box. “When you experience compassion for other people, you feel their pain and want to find a way to relieve their suffering. These feelings compel you to take action to do what you can to make the situation better.” [x]
Listen carefully and avoid assumptions.
Accept people for who they are and where they may be in their process.
Encourage them to keep learning and forgive them for making mistakes along the way.
Treat them with kindness.
Be patient.
Practicing compassion can go a long way and is more effective when you can do it while unpacking the boxes that define us. From this point of view you begin to see why there is so much confusion in our lives and over time it’s easier to find the brighter spots, the people that make you feel seen, and the possibilities our younger selves always knew were there.
