Courting Self-Love
Valentine’s Day has come and gone but your mind may often still be consumed with thoughts about relationships, love, and heartbreak. This is normal but what this particular time tends to do is project other relationships, happy or not - real or fake, into your social sphere, amplify your emotions about your relational status, and then keep you feeling charged by the idea that you need to perform a certain way to fit in, especially on social media.
You may not feel you are subject to such whims of the times but it’s not so easy removing ourselves from expectations without a few bruises. Today, we take on a new tactic of healing our bruised souls - self-love!
Self-love is a complicated thing to define but it falls somewhere in-between self-care and the radical acceptance of our being equating to mind, body, and spirit… okay, let’s rework this… let’s say you could show up for yourself in ways that you need, whenever you need, you would be enacting self-love. It’s a full-time job and it can be a lot for some to wrap their heads around. “I am someone “programmed” to value what other people think and need above my own health [...] I’ve been told that taking care of myself is “selfish” and that my productivity is tied to my worth. These are lies at best, and a way to keep me out of my own power” (Kelechi Ubozoh, X).
We need to begin dismantling the dialogue that keeps us from loving ourselves fully. Let’s acknowledge that this dialogue isn’t from one source. Whether it’s a cue you got from how a parent was treated in a relationship, racist messages impacting how we view our bodies, health, and worthiness, gendered ideals of masculinity [X] and femininity [X], etc., there is a lot to work through on this journey.
Myth: “Self-care isn’t self-love”
Self-care and radical self-care [X] are forms of self-love. Self-care revolves around the idea that you are performing activities that bring you a sense of personal progress (progress can be joy, safety, comfort, neutrality, etc.). Self-care is just one piece of self-love. We often say, as Black folx, that self-care is radical because traditional American society has actively fought against our safety, peace, and comfort.
Myth: “Self-care is only for the rich and white”
Self-love and self-care are not a luxury only meant for the rich and white. When we joke that taking care of yourself is only extravagant bubble baths and dinner out alone we are unconsciously saying two things: those two activities are not helpful (they can be very helpful tools in your process of self-care) and that only white people can be engaging in simple activities of self-love. You can define what your self-love looks like, untethered by the ideals of whiteness.
Myth: “Self-love is only for womxn”
Men should be engaging in self-love too. We know there is a lot of pressure to perform in a role of masculinity but that shouldn’t mean love is off the table. The amazing thing is that Black womxn have been leading the dialogue on self-love and radical self-care, and are building considerable spaces of growth and safety. Black men are further behind and there needs to be a considerable cultural shift enacted by men.
Myth: “Self-love is a form of toxic positivity”
“Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset” (Verywellmind, X). We know that the weight of our ancestral wounds and the current state of our systems wouldn’t allow us to ONLY be positive even if we wanted to - now this is a luxury we do not have. Instead, we focus on dismantling the power the systems have on us at all times AND we allow ourselves to feel. Self-love can be affirmations and speaking highly of yourself but it’s also sharing when times are tougher, raging when you need to rage, and crying whether it’s a big deal or not.
Myth: “Self-love only helps you”
Showing up for yourself, and filling your cup, will help with reenergizing other relationships in your life. You’ll need to work out what showing up looks like to you, what fuels you, and what doesn’t, which will help in reducing burnout, feelings of neglect, and unexplainable mood shifts that negatively impact how you interact with others. It doesn’t mean you won’t go through emotional or physical rough patches but you’ll know 1) why you are there and 2) what you need to do to get back to healing the bruises.
Self-love is not selfish. Period.
Now that you understand some of the fundamentals of self-love, let’s dive into some of what it could look like to love yourself!
Self-love can be both structured and free-flowing. If you feel a routine or ritual is important to make you feel grounded in your day, do not ignore that! If you feel you need to spend more time not pressured by the hour of the day or rigidity of a schedule, that’s perfectly fine too! Self-love is about tuning into yourself, asking yourself about what you want and about what you need. It’s not selfish to answer honestly, it’s the only right answer.
Some activities to try on your journey to finding what fuels you:
Nap. Resting is extremely important and often overlooked during the day. When you have a moment of need to lie down and close your eyes, do it. Even 20 minutes is re-energizing.
Journal. Writing about your day, your feelings, a list of things you enjoy, etc. will improve your outlook on life.
Read. Whether it’s for pleasure or educational purposes, reading gives us access to a host of new knowledge and creativity, improves our mood, etc. Note podcasts and audiobooks are great too!
Spend time with others who value you. Self-love doesn’t mean you have to be alone! Prioritize quality time with those that bring you comfort. Additionally, this means you should deprioritize relationships that no longer serve you.
Have sex. Consensual sex (which involves the full spectrum of intimate activities) with someone who makes you feel desired and cared for, or with yourself, can do a host of good for the soul, mind, and body.
Set a calendar. Setting aside time to organize your day or week can be the difference between feeling empowered and feeling lost. If you need spontaneity in your day, a schedule may also work in your favor by allowing you to see where you can adapt and be flexible from a thirty-foot view.
Meditate, do yoga, work out, etc. These can center your body and mind, which is key to overall self-love. Focus on what activities feel most comfortable for you to be sitting in and then work your way to meditating longer, stretching further, and moving stronger.
Mindfully eat. All food is good food! When sitting down to eat, take your time to enjoy your food, notice the textures and flavors, and seek out foods that make you feel balanced and full. Try meal prepping if you need assistance with being more intentional with food choices.
Engage in community. Community is key to building self-love but it should be a community you choose. Try finding groups that participate in activities you enjoy, anything from playing a sport to healing circles, book clubs to crystals and herbs.
Practice in mental resilience. Build yourself up by reminding yourself that you are human, worthy of love, and always growing. Affirmations are a great way to start, know that some affirmations are not for you, keep looking or build your own. Building mental resilience also looks like letting go of grudges, accepting an imperfection about yourself or someone else, and being assertive about what you need.
Self-love is inspiration. It’s a belly laugh that is so intense you’ll never forget it. It’s a warm hug holding you the right way. Do you feel it yet?
